BRB Adventure

Venice, Connecticut

i have coffee in here.

i don’t think i’m allowed to have coffee in here.

i feel like there’s a coundown going on somewhere counting down the seconds until my coffee gets taken away from me.

I found a lady hair on my wiener this morning and I haven’t talked to a lady in a year

Some guy at a cafe asked about my computer and I told him about it.

It felt heroic. 

Speech

I write a speech in my room, alone. 

It’s a speech about why you should never get out of bed. 

I perform the speech in a mirror wearing an electric guitar. 

I notice my roommate spying through a crack in the door. 

I get crazy embarrassed and cover myself with a blanket. 

He offers French toast as a peace offering. 

I tell him there was never not peace. 

I poke my head out of the blanket and say, “Peace is really important.”

2000+ Calories

Made sure little people inside media slab had enough inventory to last the day then became not much more than a living room decoration. Guzzled my way to the Berry Ferry and gathered bush ornaments for treats for later. Encountered a white wolf gatekeeper who quietly howled instructions and gave basket spoils to the quest party. Picked up an organic cell phone accessory and told it to eat pancakes. Called the Philippines to see if braces were needed to straighten some extra teeth which were anchored in dog gums. Cozied up on wet fabric.

Sailfest

Rode in a rocket car to a land called Sailfest. SPF 110 sunblock made us invisible. Scurried about the streets - experienced a civil war and defected to a side picked at random. A  berry bodied high-level grump conjured water . Obtained many “hard” lemonades. Dissected a water bug and scarfed inside treasures - including a red support beam that ran the length of its insides. 

Everyday Genius

My story “Experience Points” was published by Everyday Genius! I’ll have a little weird smile in the corner of my mouth all day.

Sea Queen

Coral Princess sprinted into her parents’ room.

Sea Queen stood hunched in front of a mirror which had an X drawn in lipstick around where one would stare at one’s face, wearing lingerie bought from an underwater department store.

There were ten seconds of silence. 

Sea Queen whipped her head toward her daughter, a look of panic on her face - she often confused sad and panic. 

She was sobbing - her tears made of land. 

Coral Princess sat on the floor. “Let’s say you give me twenty sea bucks to help Brad fix his waterblades.”

Sea Queen slowly pressed the side of her face to the lipstick on the mirror and slid to the ground.

Her legs lay perfectly mangled - her head sunk into her chest. 

Coral Princess lowered herself onto her belly. 

Using only her fingers, she pulled herself toward her lifeless mother and snatched the oyster purse with her teeth. 

“Do you think Brad would want me?” Sea Queen sheepishly asked.

“Probably not because you’re a bozo.” 

“I WOULD WANT YOU!” Sea King bellowed as he exploded through the back wall carrying a narwhal on each shoulder.

He threw the narwhals like darts at the dartboard near the door.

“FORTY POINTS!” Sea King screamed as he pointed in Coral Princess’s face.

The Garbage Man and the Dog

A garbage man searched his overalls’ breast pocket with his left hand.

The pancake he snuck in there that morning was still intact.

Smiling, he snatched up a green, plastic garbage can and lifted it well above his head. 

The can vibrated a bit. 

A dog leaped out of it in slow motion - layered against a blue, grungy rising sun background.

The animal landed on the asphalt and dramatically spun around to face the garbage man. 

“What the jeez are you doing?” the dog queried.

“My job, ya boner.”

The dog sauntered forward and began slapping the garbage man’s chest with it’s soft, clawless paws.

The man emotionlessly stared forward thinking of the pancake’s fate.

“J.K.” the dog said, looking up at the garbage man - chin pushed into chest, eyebrows raised.

“Watch,” the garbage man said. 

He began doing push-ups using only his right hand. 

“Go, go, go!” the dog said, laughing. “You’re so good!”

The man stood, out of breath. “Can’t do it with my left, though.”

“My stupid legs have backward joints - soak that in for a minute, mister!”

Captain

Captain stood atop a sinking ship, midway through a stretching routine. 

His crew members were dead or pretending to be, bobbing in the frigid water around him. 

A drowned woman, her new haircut still looking new, drifted near.

Captain gazed at her.

He slowly closed his eyes and whispered “That hair,” to himself.

He turned his back to the girl and sat. 

Captain reached into his shirt, pulled out a pipe, and forced it into the side of his closed mouth.

The plastic of the pipe’s mouthpiece squeaked against his dry lips.

Frightened by the sound, he quickly pulled it from his mouth.

He threw the pipe as hard as he could without irritating the herniated disc in his back. 

The pipe exploded just before it hit the water. 

“Jeez Louise,” Captain said as he dove into the ocean.

Underwater, he pulled a Swiss Army knife, which doubled as an MP3 player, from his pocket.

He cut four tiny slits in his leg and waited underwater with his arms crossed. 

Two sharks approached him. One three feet long and the other twelve.  

He punched them both in the top of their heads and tied a foot to each with some kelp that was floating near.

Sweet, Captain thought to himself.

He pointed forward. “Sharks activate! Or go or whatever!”

Both sharks took off in the same direction. 

The smaller shark generated considerably less power than the larger one. This caused Captain to spin in circles. 

“Cut it out. Stop,” he commanded.

The sharks stopped. 

Captain shoved an open can of Monster energy drink into the gills of the small shark. 

“Now go. Do it!”

The sharks propelled Captain forward.

He held out his hands and grabbed two seals that were smiling at each other. 

“Hey bros, can you wrap around me? It’s kinda cold underwater, here.” 

“Well, yeah. You’re in the arctic and you’re a human,” one of the seals said. The other one shrugged and said, “We can help you out for a bit, but you have to get that big shark to stop eyeing me.”

Captain put horse blinders on the large shark. 

It growled loudly with displeasure. 

“Iceberg!” one of the seals screamed.

Captain leaned forward and roundhoused the iceberg, shattering it into pieces. 

“Holy toast! did you see that?!”  He shrieked.

The seals hooted with excitement, the large shark growled with displeasure, the small shark was silent.

Captain looked down. The impact from the iceberg had killed the small shark.

Captain turned to the seals, a guilty look on his face. The seals shrugged. 

He carefully untied the small shark from his foot and pushed it toward the bottom of the sea. 

“Well, I was having fun, now I’m all depressed,” he said. “Just take me home. Forget this.”

Captain grasped the large shark around it’s belly and pressed his ear to it’s skin.

The large shark and seals escorted Captain home.

On the shore near his home, Captain yelled “Get outa here! Scoot!” to the animals - tears in his eyes.

He wobbled inside, took a hot shower, grabbed his skateboard, and practiced heel-flips in front of the fire.

The doorbell rang. 

Captain manual’d to the door. 

He opened it by placing his hand flat on the top of the round door handle, pressing down, and sliding his hand to the right.

His ocean bros were there, on his doorstep: Large Shark, Seal One, Seal Two, and Little Shark - he was alive!

Captain screamed, excitedly, with his mouth closed.

Little Shark winked at Captain. 

The ocean bros pulled skateboards from behind their backs and raised them into the air. 

They all ollied and high-fived.